On borrowed internet.

Oh dear me friends, things are crazy over here and I'm trying to catch my breath when I can! My internet is a big piece of poop right now so I'm stealing borrowing someone else's internet connection right now. I had a completely different post scheduled for today but then I saw this and was inspired to join in. I'm already pretty open on this blog, but there are definitely things I don't share that I could and maybe should. (Deep breaths.) So here it is.
1. Every day is different but most days are still a struggle with my anxiety, panic and agoraphobia. I've learned to hide it pretty well but on the inside I'm in a tailspin. I'm feeling more resentful than ever about having to take medicine and so fed up with trying to find the winning combo that will give me my life back. I've been remembering the days when I could just leave my house without assessing where I'm going, how busy it might be and if I should bring my medicine with me (which I pretty much always do.)  And it pisses me off that I'm even in this situation. I wish I could snap my fingers and be different. 

2. I want so desperately to lose weight (because I really need to) but I don't know how it would feel to be any other size. The unknown is scary. And sometimes it feels easier to just stay the way I am. P.S. For me, losing weight isn't about a number, but just being healthier.

3. I'm increasingly anxious about the future and it's making me loco. I'm feeling like God might be sending me elsewhere in the next year or so but there are SO many unknowns.

4. I have no friends here in Denver!! And it's really starting to get to me. All of the people I have connected with are outside of Denver and they're moving away anyways, so I'm feeling lonely. How in the world do you make friends when you're a busy 31 year old with two jobs? I mean seriously.

Kyla, who I adore, wrote a post recently on Making Peace With the In-Between and that's exactly where I feel like I am right now. I am "in between" so many things and it's really a struggle. It's nothing that will take me to the ground because I have survived much worse... but that doesn't mean it is easy either. I love this quote from her post. 

"Waiting is a land of tumbleweeds and stark beauty, and it takes effort to appreciate it and be comfortable there."

This is what I need to do... learn to appreciate this "in between" and trust that many good things are to come.

10 comments:

  1. I love your openness in this post. I am sorry for your struggles and would like to tell you I can relate with massive anxiety problems. I somewhat understand the "in between" too. I wonder if for some people their whole life seems like a big in between period. I am only 26 years old and it seems so young to others but I feel no age. I do however know that I've realized things about life that most people don't until their mid 30's, if ever. One of those things is life is full of changes and you lose friends and people and a hold on your emotions. I wish nothing but the best for you, I'm a new reader but I greatly enjoy you and your blog thus far. I hope you find your peace :)

    xomando

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  2. Such a beautiful and candid post Amanda! Thank you so much for putting up with crappy internet to share it with us. :-)
    I can totally relate to the no friends thing. I've lived here in Oklahoma for over two years now and still have yet to find my tribe. And it's an excellent question you ask...where exactly are we 30-something worker (often with kids) supposed to find these friendships or the time to maintain them?! I would love to know. Anyhow, you've inspired me with your openness. Thank you for being part of this challenge. xo Ez

    P.S. I'd love to include a link to your post over on my blog along with the growing list of participating bloggers...if you're up for it.

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    1. Thanks so much Ez, Id really love that. : ) Thank you so much...

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  3. It sure does get hard to make friends as you get older and aren't in school/working social jobs. I wish you the best with finding the right people for you and with these other goals. Thanks for sharing and being so open!

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  4. Oh my darling girl - you completely nailed it. The "in between". That's what it is. It reminds me of Dr. Seuss' "Oh, the Places You Will Go!" when it says,

    ...You can get so confused
    that you'll start in to race
    down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
    and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
    headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
    The Waiting Place...

    ...for people just waiting.
    Waiting for a train to go
    or a bus to come, or a plane to go
    or the mail to come, or the rain to go
    or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
    or the waiting around for a Yes or No
    or waiting for their hair to grow.
    Everyone is just waiting.

    Waiting for the fish to bite
    or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
    or waiting around for Friday night
    or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
    or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
    or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
    or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
    Everyone is just waiting.

    NO!
    That's not for you!

    Somehow you'll escape
    all that waiting and staying
    You'll find the bright places
    where Boom Bands are playing."

    It's the waiting game, isn't it, love? Believe me, I KNOW. From two years of experienced and feigned "moving on".

    My love and thoughts are with you, friend. Hang in there...
    xo

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  5. Aww I know how you feel about having few local friends. It's so hard when everyone is scattered all over the country :( Maybe go to a local craft store and see if the offer classes so you can hang with some awesome crafty people doing something fun...

    http://shaktidove.blogspot.com/

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  6. From an old woman's perspective... In the beginning of my life, I set myself up with the expectation that if I did everything "right" my life would be a piece of cake. Obviously - that's not how it works. Now I believe that my life is what it is - a million different experiences and decisions - some good and some bad. Each and every one of them has made me the person that I am today. And I needed all of them to learn and grow. Pain is a signal whether it's physical or emotional that SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. It's a good thing. You just have to be careful that you don't "adjust" to the pain and keep working a plan to change things for your future each and every single day. Be proactive about your life and don't forget to enjoy it - pain and all. Please remember to appreciate the person you are today as well as the person you want to be.

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  7. Aw you live in Denver? I love that place. I was there from November 2011-January 2012 for reasons I won't go into.. ha but I loved it. Too bad I'm just stumbling across your blog now or I would have been your friend!

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  8. A very long time ago, I read a book called "The In Between Days" about the period after a man lost his wife/kids lost their mother. The time after the loss before happiness crept in again. The in-between period is so difficult but a really beautiful time overall. A time of raw, real emotions and learning.

    Anyway, I live in Boulder (as you know from Twitter). And I have only been here a year and don't have any friends. Making friends is hard after college! So if you ever want to meet-up, that would be great. :)

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  9. It's so much harder to make friends as an adult! When you're younger, you have sort of built-in friends through school . . . and then when you're our age, it's harder. I hope you find your groove--it's hard being lonely!

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