Oh dear me friends, things are crazy over here and I'm trying to catch my breath when I can! My internet is a big piece of poop right now so I'm
stealing borrowing someone else's internet connection right now. I had a completely different post scheduled for today but then I saw this and was inspired to join in. I'm already pretty open on this blog, but there are definitely things I don't share that I could and maybe should. (Deep breaths.) So here it is.
1. Every day is different but most days are still a struggle with my anxiety, panic and agoraphobia. I've learned to hide it pretty well but on the inside I'm in a tailspin. I'm feeling more resentful than ever about having to take medicine and so fed up with trying to find the winning combo that will give me my life back. I've been remembering the days when I could just leave my house without assessing where I'm going, how busy it might be and if I should bring my medicine with me (which I pretty much always do.) And it pisses me off that I'm even in this situation. I wish I could snap my fingers and be different.
2. I want so desperately to lose weight (because I really need to) but I don't know how it would feel to be any other size. The unknown is scary. And sometimes it feels easier to just stay the way I am. P.S. For me, losing weight isn't about a number, but just being healthier.
3. I'm increasingly anxious about the future and it's making me loco. I'm feeling like God might be sending me elsewhere in the next year or so but there are SO many unknowns.
4. I have no friends here in Denver!! And it's really starting to get to me. All of the people I have connected with are outside of Denver and they're moving away anyways, so I'm feeling lonely. How in the world do you make friends when you're a busy 31 year old with two jobs? I mean seriously.
Kyla, who I adore, wrote a post recently on Making Peace With the In-Between and that's exactly where I feel like I am right now. I am "in between" so many things and it's really a struggle. It's nothing that will take me to the ground because I have survived much worse... but that doesn't mean it is easy either. I love this quote from her post.
"Waiting is a land of tumbleweeds and stark beauty, and it takes effort to appreciate it and be comfortable there."
This is what I need to do... learn to appreciate this "in between" and trust that many good things are to come.